Last night I had a strange dream.
It felt a bit like being in a fairy tale, so clear and colourful.
I was in a ball room with lots of dancing women. They all wore beautiful dresses while I wore an old woolen jumper and an ugly skirt. I asked one of the women if I could borrow a dress. She was friendly and smiled “of course my love”.
Then I had to undress in the middle of the ball room while everyone was staring at me. One by one I took layers off and one piece of clothing was uglier than the next. And my legs weren’t shaved either (what a silly thing to dream of..(:). I felt so embarrassed and humiliated but I just kept going anyway. I didn’t dare to look up but I could feel how everyone was looking at me and I imagined them to be laughing or frowning in disgust.
Then I woke up and felt horrible.
Looking back at this dream now I realize what it was about.
It was about opening yourself up, being honest and real, making yourself vulnerable. It was about the fear of being yourself and being laughed at.
Yesterday I filled out a questionnaire for a project on another blog (so thank you Leanne for inspiring me to write this post!). I’ll let you know when my interview is up. I wrote about writing and how I started calling myself a writer after blogging for a while.
Although I always had this dream to be a writer and an artist I never dared to really explore my artistic side. Like so many other people I felt as if I had to be “good” to give myself permission to write or to create art. But how can someone become good at anything if they don’t allow themselves to do it?!
When I started blogging in April last year I felt very vulnerable because I put myself out there. I started writing in public even though I knew that I wasn’t good (not writing in my native language made it even more difficult). But something else happened when I took that plunge.
I began to take myself and my dreams more serious.
I kept writing blog posts, lots and lots of bad ones but occasionally there was a good one or one that hit a nerve and I got some comments. I gained experience and confidence along the way. I met inspiring people who walked similar paths and people who were already making a living with doing what they love. Things that first seemed impossible don’t seem that impossible anymore.
I’m still at the start of this writing journey and I have to learn so much more. But now it feels okay to just try and fail and try again. Obviously there is a lot of fear left to show my authentic self (as my dream last night showed me) but I still feel as if I gain more and more courage with every step, every post, every risk I take.
And who knows? Maybe the women in the room weren’t laughing or frowning, maybe they were admiring my courage to undress (although I hadn’t shaved my legs…;)).
Or maybe some of them were laughing but I suppose that’s part of showing up and putting yourself out there. I understand and accept now that I can’t and won’t please everyone.
How about you, my lovely readers? (grin…it’s so funny to write this sentence…only real writers write this sentence, right?)
Have you recently taken a risk or given yourself the permission to be bad at something? I would love to hear about your own experiences!