Last night I had a strange dream.
It felt a bit like being in a fairy tale, so clear and colourful.
I was in a ball room with lots of dancing women. They all wore beautiful dresses while I wore an old woolen jumper and an ugly skirt. I asked one of the women if I could borrow a dress. She was friendly and smiled “of course my love”.
Then I had to undress in the middle of the ball room while everyone was staring at me. One by one I took layers off and one piece of clothing was uglier than the next. And my legs weren’t shaved either (what a silly thing to dream of..(:). I felt so embarrassed and humiliated but I just kept going anyway. I didn’t dare to look up but I could feel how everyone was looking at me and I imagined them to be laughing or frowning in disgust.
Then I woke up and felt horrible.
Looking back at this dream now I realize what it was about.
It was about opening yourself up, being honest and real, making yourself vulnerable. It was about the fear of being yourself and being laughed at.
Yesterday I filled out a questionnaire for a project on another blog (so thank you Leanne for inspiring me to write this post!). I’ll let you know when my interview is up. I wrote about writing and how I started calling myself a writer after blogging for a while.
Although I always had this dream to be a writer and an artist I never dared to really explore my artistic side. Like so many other people I felt as if I had to be “good” to give myself permission to write or to create art. But how can someone become good at anything if they don’t allow themselves to do it?!
When I started blogging in April last year I felt very vulnerable because I put myself out there. I started writing in public even though I knew that I wasn’t good (not writing in my native language made it even more difficult). But something else happened when I took that plunge.
I began to take myself and my dreams more serious.
I kept writing blog posts, lots and lots of bad ones but occasionally there was a good one or one that hit a nerve and I got some comments. I gained experience and confidence along the way. I met inspiring people who walked similar paths and people who were already making a living with doing what they love. Things that first seemed impossible don’t seem that impossible anymore.
I’m still at the start of this writing journey and I have to learn so much more. But now it feels okay to just try and fail and try again. Obviously there is a lot of fear left to show my authentic self (as my dream last night showed me) but I still feel as if I gain more and more courage with every step, every post, every risk I take.
And who knows? Maybe the women in the room weren’t laughing or frowning, maybe they were admiring my courage to undress (although I hadn’t shaved my legs…;)).
Or maybe some of them were laughing but I suppose that’s part of showing up and putting yourself out there. I understand and accept now that I can’t and won’t please everyone.
How about you, my lovely readers? (grin…it’s so funny to write this sentence…only real writers write this sentence, right?)
Have you recently taken a risk or given yourself the permission to be bad at something? I would love to hear about your own experiences!
I hate those dreams, have them now and then as well. Usually I dream I am somewhere in a crowd and looking like I just fell out of bed, being all messy and wearing just a wide cut shirt (but it’s too short and I am constantly busy to stretch it over my bum *lol*) It’s awful and feels so real. I think it’s also saying something about you being a modest person (wearing just something simple, not bothering about shaving your legs) but suddenly being in some kind of center of attention (writing a blog, getting comments, being judged even or hoping to please everyone). It would make everyone feel a little uncomfortable. I like your interpretation!
If you want to make a living out of what you love doing most, you’re on a journey of constant risks. There’s is no one telling you what to do, no one taking the responsibility away from you. You are responsible for everything. But that’s the fun part =) You learn so much by making mistakes. Mistakes are proof that you are trying!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Thank you Eva! I really appreciate the words of someone who is already making a living with what she loves. Probably you were one of the women in the ballroom, the one with the flowing fantasy dress and her magical pen and ink in a handbag made from weathered wolf skin..:) Thank you for your thoughts on the topic!!!
I love that you shared this dream. You are right in that to do anything well, you have to put yourself out there. Blogging has been a scary journey for me because of the vulnerability factor and because I have always considered myself to be technologically challenged, thus the design part was very difficult. I have learned a lot in the past few months just from reading and looking at blogs that are similar to the effect(and feeling) I want to convey. There have been some days I have been discouraged, but I decided that I was going to change my focus from trying to get a ton of readers to building community. That made it easier for me to be authentic in both what I was writing and in reaching out to others in the blogosphere. I am so glad that you are taking risks. It is worth it to create the life that you want!
Thank you Emmie! You were one of the top contributors on my Blog in 2012 and I’m so grateful for that!!! I love reading your comments and it’s great to hear that you are on a similar path! Could you put up a link to your Blog (if you want) please? I would love to read it but couldn’t find a link. ~ Love, Halina
Sure thing! My URL is http://piejesu.org/
Peace,
Emmie
Hi Halina,
I can relate to feeling like my art is bad and feeling vulnerable writing a blog. I regret one of my recent blogs for instance for opening up too much. But I’ve heard that the greater the doubts you have the greater artist you are? I’m not sure if that’s true, but I think everyone has their tribe, and if you’re putting stuff out there that is positive and adds value it will come back to you in a positive way and add value to your life in someway sometiems to be rendered by fire (which could be compared to being open and rendered by the fire of people’s stares and comments) it opens up the seed, as with Jack Pines, which leads us to discover our true self. I don’t think it hurts to be vulnerable, I think it opens up our souls to being human. I appreciate your openness on this topic and i love hearing about dreams so thanks for sharing your dream too. x
Dear Clarre, thank you for your lovely comment! I love the comparison with Jack Pines who open up in intense heat like a fire to show their seeds. That made me thinking… ~ Love Halina
I so totally get what you’re saying here Halina, especially this line:
‘How can someone become good at anything if they don’t allow themselves to do it?!’
It has taken me years to realise that!
I remember reading a saying one that went ‘if something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing badly’ and I try to remind myself of this when I start something new and feel vulnerable.
To me your dream is about being vulnerable and it’s interesting you didn’t look up to see the reactions so you don’t actually know what they were. I suspect there were at least a couple who were thinking what an edgy left-of-centre radical non-conformist you were and envying you for it!
I am in the midst of this with you as far as the writing and art go – learning to call myself a writer and artist even if I censor myself, do things badly or feel like deleting and throwing my creations away in shame. Your dream is ironic in a way because I always describe putting my writing out in public as being like taking my clothes off in public
Every single artist and writer I talk to went through this though which was news to me. So we’re in good company. And at least your dream involved a beautiful dress, when I’m feeling vulnerable my dreams are usually of teeth falling out!
Thank you Leanne! It’s funny that you use the same metaphor that I had in my dream (taking your clothes off). It’s wonderful to talk to other people who are going through similar things. And I’m sure we’ll all be wearing beautiful dresses in the end!
Halina this is such a wonderful post. I enjoyed reading it very much. I am also in the processing of beginning to undress as well.My dream as a child was to be a writer, it was something I felt so deep inside, that was who I was. Well life got in the way and like you said about others being better. So I stopped and I am just now trying to get back in the habit Your description of the people watching and laughing is so descriptive that all of us at one time or another has felt that way. It is very inspiring to me to read your words and know its ok to just be me. By the way, you are a wonderful writer
Dianne, thank you so much for your kind words! I wish you all the best on your own writing journey!!!
What a gorgeous post! I love that you nailed what that dream was about. And that the other women were kind and loving and generous. That’s your confirmation that you are on the right track. You have a great voice. My permission last year was to be an artist.
I still don’t think I’m all that good, but it brings me joy so that’s what counts.
Yes Arwen, that’s what I get to believe more and more. It must be right for us if it brings us joy!
I love dream epiphanies! Thanks so much for sharing this inspiration today!
Thank you Tina!
Wow!, Dreams have a way of making our vulnerability become our strength don’t they?! Love this!
Smiles,
Ziggy
Hi Halina, this is my first time here to your gorgeous space. And Oh boy do I relate to this post! I went through similar emotions last year when I began to write my blog posts. I felt very vunerable. I still do but I am a feel the fear and do it anyways type a gal. I look forward to reading more of your posts X
I know the feeling – putting yourself out there can be scary. I have a real dilemma/conflict around my Gorgeously Full Fat blogs because I’m exposing my issues with food and that’s PERSONAL, I realise it’s probably because of my ex-husband and friend who were both very dismissive of my plus-size work, thinking it was somehow humiliating to associate yourself with that kind of thing. I still struggle with it!
Keep going with the blogs, because it’s obvious you enjoy it, and as for beng a ‘real writer’ – you’re writing, so that’s what you are!!! Love it. Big love, Sarah xx